"Get the sexyfolk out of here NOW!! WE MUST NOT LET SEXY ZOMBIES HAPPEN!!"
FADE IN:
A NEWS MONTAGE hints at the coming ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE while also
introducing the soundtrack by MUSE, painstakingly crafted by playing the
final track of the 2ND LAW album over and over and over again.
INT. BRAD PITT'S HOUSE
BRAD prepares for his normal, routine day with his wife MIREILLE ENOS.
BRAD PITT
Wait a sec... so the zombie apocalypse
hasn't happened yet? Isn't the whole book
set AFTER the...
MIREILLE ENOS
It is. But the guys adapting it got stuck
on the front cover, so congrats, you're
starring in a summer blockbuster based on
a title.
BRAD PITT
And I see we have two adorable little
escort missions, er I mean, daughters.
Can't wait to holler your names through
panicked crowds later.
(thinks)
Any reason there couldn't just be one of
you?
BRAD'S DAUGHTERS
Nope.
EXT. CITY STREET
The BRADMILY is stuck in traffic.
BRAD PITT
I swear, if is this is another one of
those make-work construction projects I'm
gonna...
POLICEMAN
(running wildly)
AW GAWD ZOMBIES EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR
LIIIIIVES!!!!
BRAD PITT
That's a relief. Looks like we're getting
straight to the action! Buckle up kids,
this is gonna be zombie carnage on a scale
never seen before. We're talking GLOBAL
amounts of gore and evisceration that...
MIREILLE ENOS
Er, don't forget that this movie is,
itself, ALSO single-mindedly bent on
achieving worldwide saturation.
BRAD PITT
Huh? Why would that matter...
The ZOMBIE HORDE arrives!! LIMBS and SEVERED HEADS and BLOOD and
ENTRAILS fly in all directions as There is lots of censor-friendly
SCREAMING and RUNNING AROUND in a SUITABLE FOR MASS MARKET fashion!
BRAD PITT
I see your point. Well, an undead plague
sanitized for international consumption is
still an undead plague, I guess. Let's
go!!
The BRADMILY makes a run for it! BRAD uses his SOUND MIXING powers to
focus in on ONE SPECIFIC VICTIM.
BRAD PITT
Based on a sample size of that one guy, I
now know for a fact that it takes exactly
12 seconds to become a zombie. Although
since he started convulsing and howling
after about two seconds, I could probably
mark that down under "right away".
They corral an RV and make a GETAWAY, but one of the DAUGHTERS turns
out to have been BITTEN, forcing BRAD to make an unthinkable choice
while raising the emotional stakes to intense heights of has an
ASTHMA ATTACK! They park outside a PHARMACY.
INT. PHARMACY
BRAD finds the HELPFUL GUN-TOTING PHARMACIST section and gets the asthma
meds! Unfortunately MIREILLE takes a wrong turn into the SEXUAL ASSAULT
AISLE requiring another DRAMATIC ESCAPE!
BRAD PITT
Aw fuck those fucking cockfucking
cuntfuckers stole our fucking Dangit,
the RV's been stolen, with all our gear!
MIREILLE ENOS
At least I found us some flares during the
ten seconds I wasn't busy fighting off
gang rapists.
BRAD PITT
Seriously?! Wow, you're every bit as
cool-headed and resourceful as me, if not
more. Too bad that was your last positive
contribution to this entire story.
They duck into an APARTMENT BUILDING and are taken in by a HISPANIC
FAMILY.
BRAD PITT
I feel a strange paternal instinct towards
this child from another culture. Remember
kid, movement is life. Staying put is
death.
HISPANIC KID
You mean like the scientists at the end
who go nowhere and are fine? Or the
soldiers in Korea who are fine until they
try to help you go somewhere?
BRAD PITT
No more lines for you.
INT. APARTMENT TOWER - THE NEXT MORNING
BRAD PITT
We need to get to the roof. I called my
U.N. buddy Fana Mokoena and he's sending a
helicopter to come get us.
MIREILLE ENOS
Are you sure we should risk it? What if
they don't make it, or aren't really
coming at all, and we get trapped up
there? We'd be doomed.
BRAD PITT
(grimly)
There's no other choice. It's a huge
gamble but we have to take a leap of
faith, which will also ratchet up the
suspense as...
CUT TO:
INT. HELICOPTER
CHOPPER PILOT
WOO-HOO BRAD RESCUE IS UNDERWAAAY!!
CHOPPER GUNNER
Suspense element targeted, locked and
destroyed!! OO-RAH!!
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENTS
BRAD PITT
...oh.
Everyone heads up the STAIRS but then ZOMBIES AIIEEEE STAIRS RUSH ARRRGH
BRAD DAUGHTER RUN ENOS LOOK OUT FLARE MIREILLE RAAAARRRGH SCREAM CRASH
KEEP GOING HISPANIC AIIEEEE PITT ZOMBIES NOOOO FIGHT CHOMP ARRRRGH
EXT. ROOFTOP
The BRADMILY arrives on the roof!
MIREILLE ENOS
Holy fuck cow what just happened?!
BRAD PITT
I think I maybe got bit by a zombie. Or
we might have made a baby, it was really
unclear.
(pause)
Anyway I'll use the 12-second rule to make
sure I won't turn, starting now, even
though way more than 12 seconds have
already passed.
Just then the HELICOPTER arrives in the FOREGROUND in 3D!
CHOPPER PILOT
Quick, even though you could all easily be
infected, please pile aboard our chopper!
BRAD PITT
(squinting)
Hey, you're Matthew Fox. Why are you
Matthew Fox?
MATTHEW FOX
(pause)
No reason.
EXT. AMERICAN NAVAL FLEET
The HELICOPTER hovers in the FOREGROUND in 3D as the BRADMILY is greeted
by FANA MOKOENA.
BRAD PITT
Fana, I'm so happy we got out, let me rush
towards you and plant my mouth on your
head, surely the smartest thing to do when
surrounded by armed soliders freaking out
about zombies!
FANA MOKOENA
Oh that's okay, after all, the incubation
time is different for different people so
you could still turn any second now.
BRAD PITT
Really?
FANA MOKOENA
Yeah, we realized that if everyone
followed the 12-second rule there was no
way in hell the virus could get across the
ocean, and we'd have no movie.
BRAD PITT
Well, I will continue to use the 12-second
rule, and because I am the star it will
always be right.
FANA MOKOENA
(shrugs)
It's not like we're going to take any
precautions anyway. So as you've perhaps
guessed, the zombies are everywhere on
Earth and the human race is in danger of
extinction. Civilization as we know it
has ended. Did you want to pause and
react in any way to this devastating news?
BRAD PITT
Not really. I figure I'll save my big
emotional moment for when somebody the
audience cares about gets zombified...
(checks script)
Huh, that never happens. So what's the
plan?
FANA MOKOENA
We need you to go to South Korea, because
we found an email there that mentioned
zombies and it is the only email in
existence to ever do that. Then, since we
threw away the original story, you'll be
going to a variety of global locations
until imminent catastrophe forces you to
rush to the plane taking off just in the
nick of time, which gets you to the next
location, and so on... basically "2012"
except with zombies instead of natural
disasters. "Z01Z", if you will.
BRAD PITT
Fine, whatever.
(pause)
What if I told you I'd rather stay here to
protect my family, surrounded by
battleships and soldiers, rather than go
help thwart the zombie plague and save
humanity, which includes my family?
FANA MOKOENA
(chuckling)
Right, like you'd agree to play a lead
character so selfish and cowardly. That's
a good one! Now let's get you a fresh
scarf.
INT. PLANE
The PLANE HOVERS in the FOREGROUND in 3D as it takes BRAD, a SCIENTIST,
and some UN SOLDIERS to KOREA.
SCIENTIST
I believe the zombie plague came from
natural causes. But there's a thing about
Nature.
(actual line)
Sometimes, what you think is its greatest
strength, is ACTUALLY its greatest
weakness.
BRAD PITT
Which in this case means what? We'll turn
its astonishing virulence, exponential
rate of growth, and near-invulnerability
against it?
SCIENTIST
Well no, what we'll really do is exploit a
secondary characteristic to our advantage.
BRAD PITT
(nodding)
"It's not a bug, it's a feature."
SCIENTIST
Exactly. But when you eventually figure
it out, be sure to use my
"strength/weakness" line, it sounds more
impressive that way.
EXT. LANDING STRIP - KOREA
The PLANE LANDS in the FOREGROUND in 3D but ZOMBIES attack! The
SCIENTIST trips and TOTALLY BLOWS HIS OWN BRAINS OUT IN A SPLATTER OF
BLOODY SKULL it is STRONGLY IMPLIED that something VERY BAD HAPPENS
TO HIM! BRAD and the UN SOLDIERS reach the US BASE.
US SOLDIERS
OOO-RAH!! WE FUCK UP ZEKES WHO WANNA
FUCK US UP, WE FUCK THEM RIGHT IN THE
ZOMBIE TWAT Golly, welcome aboard,
Brad! We sure hope we can be helpful.
BRAD PITT
Me too, since the one guy who knew
anything is now dead.
SOLDIER
Oh. Then we've got nothing.
BRAD PITT
Nothing at all?
SOLDIER
Nope.
BRAD PITT
Really?
SOLDIER
(sighs)
Okay, we have one CIA dude who says he has
critical information about the zombies.
But THAT'S IT.
They take him to see DAVID MORSE who has gone CRAY CRAY.
DAVID MORSE
(conspiratorially)
So two years ago, Jerusalem built a giant
honkin wall around itself that is visible
from space.
BRAD PITT
Oh my God, that is EXACTLY the kind of
thing that would never be noticed by every
news channel and government on Earth, and
I could only learn from a deranged spy!!
This must be crucially important, I've
gotta get back to my plane.
SOLDIER
All right. Since the Zekes are drawn by
sound, we'll use creaky old bicycles to
take a path ten times as long as we took
before.
BRAD PITT
This is the best possible time to leave my
phone on!
Sure enough the phone RINGS halfway there! ZOMBIES attack, but BRAD and
a DIFFERENT SOLDIER make it to the plane and TAKE OFF!
BRAD PITT
(on phone)
Mireille, was that you calling me just
now?
MIREILLE ENOS
Yeah, I got bored with being written out
of the movie. Thought we could chat.
BRAD PITT
Well since I'm busy being dropped into
various zombie-infested locations, how
about from now on DO NOT CALL ME I WILL
CALL YOU.
EXT. JERUSALEM
A HELICOPTER hovers in the FOREGROUND in 3D as BRAD lands and meets
Israeli soldier DANIELLA KERTESZ.
DANIELLA KERTESZ
Welcome. As you see, we built an enormous
anti-zombie wall all the way around the
city, with a nice smooth top just in case
they ever reach it.
BRAD PITT
And all the time you've had this, it never
struck you to add spikes or barbed wire to
the top, or to have guards there, or use
any of the other hundreds-of-years-old
techniques that exist to stop people from
going over walls?
DANIELLA KERTESZ
Nope. But we DO have mesh tunnels to let
tons more humans inside, because we have
limitless food and water and space.
However somebody sets up a LOUDSPEAKER which suddenly makes the CITY
CRAMMED WITH HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE just that extra little bit
TOO NOISY!!
BRAD PITT
Yoiks, the zombies are cresting the wall!
But you must have a fallback position, or
a Plan B, or something, right?
DANIELLA KERTESZ
Nope, we are now completely
monkeyfucked in a spot of bother.
BRAD PITT
I guess it's run-to-the-plane time again!
They RUN but DANIELLA gets bit in the hand!
BRAD PITT
Don't worry, I saw this on Walking Dead!
BRAD TOTALLY CHOPS OFF DANIELLA'S HAND AND THE EXPOSED STUMP SPRAYS
BLOOD EVERYWHERE makes a THWACKING SOUND and now DANIELLA'S HAND is
missing!
DANIELLA KERTESZ
AIEEEE! I know it's tradition for
zombie-movie characters to shrug off
severed limbs like paper cuts, but I think
I'll buck tradition and actually go into
shock for a while.
BRAD PITT
Can't you grow a new hand or shoot guns
with your feet or something?
DANIELLA KERTESZ
Look, Sandler's "Zohan" movie was not
entirely accurate, okay? Let's get to
your plane and...
ARMY PILOT
(taking off)
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Sorry, can't
wait. Best of luck though!
Instead BRAD and DANIELLA get to a PASSENGER JET which has been
patiently waiting to be allowed to taxi out of the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.
As they TAKE OFF, BRAD uses his MONTAGE POWERS to come to an IMPORTANT
REALIZATION! He calls MIREILLE.
BRAD PITT
Mireille, quick, put Fana on before you
accidentally participate in this scene!
FANA MOKOENA
(on phone)
Okay, I'm here. What's going on?
BRAD PITT
Listen to me there's NO TIME TO EXPLAIN!
NONE AT ALL!! Okay in that time I could
have said "the zombies ignore fatally
diseased people" but THERE'S NO TIME!!
TELL THE PILOT WHERE THE CLOSEST W.H.O.
BASE IS and I could have told you my
theory a second time by now!
FANA MOKOENA
(on phone)
Okay, that's taken care of. So what's the
theory about saving everyone and hello?
Hello?
They FLY in the FOREGROUND in 3D for a while.
BRAD PITT
(frowns)
Thought I heard something... hm, it
sounds like screaming and panic on the
other side of that curtain. I wonder what
it could possibly be. Let's have a look.
(looks)
SHIT FUCK Oh geez guys, there's
zombies on the plane! Quick, stack some
luggage here, that way when the zombies
burst through you can be pinned down by
zombies AND luggage!
The luggage plan EPIC FAILS just about as spectacularly as you'd expect.
Luckily BRAD'S CARRY-ON LUGGAGE is a GRENADE and he uses it to BLOW THE
PLANE IN HALF!
EXT. IRELAND - IN A TREE
BRAD PITT
(regaining consciousness)
Hrnn... I'm alive! But arrgh, my left
arm is a mangled pulp of exposed sinew
and I have the obligatory nonlethal
Shrapnel-Through-The-Torso.™ I sure
hope Daniella is miraculously okay.
DANIELLA KERTESZ
Yup!
BRAD uses his INTERNAL GPS POWERS to find the WHO LAB but the effort
causes him to PASS OUT.
INT. WHO LABORATORIES
BRAD wakes up strapped to a TABLE and surrounded by suspicious doctors
PETER CAPALDI, PIERFRANCESCO FAVINO, and RUTH NEGGA who is a living
testament to the importance of proofreading.
PETER CAPALDI
Hee hee, we're all credited as "WHO
Doctor", which is like Doctor Who
backwards. Hee hee.
RUTH NEGGA
Quiet, Peter. We have to be hugely
suspicious of Brad, even though his
companion is awake and should have
explained everything to us already.
PIERFRANCESCO FAVINO
Yes, we suspect you, Brad! Witness my
cold glare of suspicion!
BRAD PITT
Shut up and give me my phone!
(dials)
Mireille? Hello?
FANA MOKOENA
(on phone)
Uh no, it's me. I made the crazy decision
that if you could call only one person, it
should be the guy who sent you to retrieve
information crucial to the survival of all
humans. I've moved your family to a
secure location in Nova Scotia.
BRAD PITT
Secure? You don't think Nova Scotia is an
island do you? Because it's not, although
it IS right next to Newfoundland and
Prince Edward ISLAND, which guess what,
are ISLANDS. Anyway with the last ounce
of battery please tell these guys who I
am, instead of me telling you my theory to
save everyone.
PIERFRANCESCO FAVINO
And the phone's dead. So what is this
goddamn theory?
BRAD PITT
If we give ourselves deadly diseases, the
zombies will avoid us. It'll be...
camouflage. That's a brand new word I
just made up.
RUTH NEGGA
Good idea. Thing is, the way to our
deadly-virus room is full of zombies. We
should figure out a way to broadcast this
idea so that another WHO lab can...
BRAD PITT
NO NO NO ONLY WE MUST TEST THIS THEORY!!!
We have to distract the audience from
realizing that this whole trek around the
globe didn't mean squat, and I could have
solved everything by watching assorted
surveillance footage from the safety of
the original fleet!
RUTH NEGGA
Okay, geez. Have a crowbar.
They HEAD OUT, but ZOMBIES appear and EVERYONE WHO'S NOT BRAD TOTALLY
BAILS. BRAD swings his CROWBAR which CAVES IN A ZOMBIE'S SKULL
makes a LOUD THUMP and a ZOMBIE falls down! ANOTHER ZOMBIE approaches
him but the CROWBAR is CAUGHT IN AN EYESOCKET AND GRINDING THE ZOMBIE
EYE TO JELLY AS BRAD FRANTICALLY PULLS AT IT mysteriously stuck on
something out of frame! But it comes FREE just in time for BRAD to
BRUTALLY DEMOLISH THE ZOMBIE'S FACE LIKE SO MUCH MOLDY RASPBERRY
CHEESECAKE shame it into submission with a disapproving glare!
BRAD PITT
Dear God, this has to be the least bloody
undead movie since The Omega Man.
(is old)
BRAD uses his MAP SENSE +10 to find the VIRUS ROOM, which is locked with
a KEYPAD. A nearby WALL-MOUNTED PHONE rings, confusing the hell out of
everyone in the audience under 20.
RUTH NEGGA
(on phone)
Brad, it's me, I can see you on the
security camera. The code is
COCKBALLS 262522557.
BRAD PITT
Thanks. Hm, there's no possible way to
press these tiny buttons one-by-one AND
hold a crowbar, I mean I'm not MADE of
hands. Better put the crowbar down.
(enters code)
And it's clearly beyond the limits of
human endurance and ingenuity to take the
crowbar inside the room with me, better
leave it outside.
(does so)
INT. BACK AT THE MONITOR ROOM
A HELICOPTER FLIES PAST in the FOREGROUND in 3D as the SCIENTISTS
intently watch the monitors in the cramped monitor room.
DANIELLA KERTESZ
Yay, Brad found the viruses! But oh crap,
a zombie is outside the door now! He's
trapped!
RUTH NEGGA
He's going to have to inject himself to
escape, but he doesn't know which viruses
we have cures for. How will he...
PIERFRANCISCO FAVINO
Wait, look! He found a pen and paper, and
he's spotted the camera! Now I bet he's
going to send us a message like "Ring the
phone once for yes, twice for no" and
start holding up vials...
PETER CAPALDI
No, he'll tell us to waggle the camera
up/down or side/side.
RUTH NEGGA
Or by turning the camera on and off, we
can make the red power light flash, and
send messages that way! Maybe even do
Morse code! Ooh, which one is he gonna
pick... he's about to hold up the
paper... aw fuck, oh look, "TELL
MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM"?!?
Seriously?!!??! What kind of lame-ass
bullshit is that!!. How touching!
PIERFRANCISCO FAVINO
Way to go, DOUCHEBAG! It's just so
noble.
PETER CAPALDI
My GOD what a fucking idiot is this
guy!! I'm touched.
RUTH NEGGA
Now I hope he picks the fucking ebola
virus. Or at least something that makes
him shit himself. Fucking assclown.
Truly he is the best of us.
BRAD injects a DEADLY VIRUS into his arm, which successfully fools the
ZOMBIE and makes JENNIFER ANISTON wonder if maybe those post-hypnotic
suggestions worked after all.
INT. HALLWAY
BRAD PITT
Phew, I've avoided horrible zombie death.
Time for a refreshing Pepsi!
(drinks crisp, ice-cold Pepsi)
Pepsi, it's the choice of a NEW
civilization. In fact, everyone have some
delicious Pepsi!
ZOMBIE HORDE
(rushing past)
ARRRRGH THE ONLY THING WE LOVE MORE THAN
BRAINSSS IS PEPSSSSSI
DANIELLA KERTESZ
Good job, Brad. I'd ask how the
fuck we get out of here, but we only
have twenty seconds left to end the movie.
So you chose the right vial and I go home
and you get to Nova Scotia where your
family is safe but Mireille is fucking
Matthew Fox now, remember him? and
everything's fine the fight goes on hope
survives etcetera etcetera the end.
BRAD PITT
Hooray! Wait, what?
END
